Under Water
by T'eyla
Summary: The end to a long and hurtful journey (TR).


**Title**: Under Water

**Author**: T'eyla

**Rating**: PG

**Disclaimer**: Star Trek belongs to Paramount, even though they don't appreciate what they've got. The German song "Unter Wasser" was written by Farin Urlaub; the translation "Under Water" I did myself (if you want the original lyrics, try "Farin Urlaub Unter Wasser Lyrics" at Google. I'd put a link in here, but Fanfiction Net does not allow URLs in posts).

**Betas**: SitaZ and The Libran Iniquity - thanks so much, girls!

**AN**: This is **Tucker/Reed**, and it's a songfic, and a deathfic. I guess it's quite depressing. Well, I hope you'll like it. Please review :).

* * *

This was where it had happened. They had eventually returned to the place where his life had taken the grotesque turn from a state of blissful ignorance to what he had now. Emptiness filled Malcolm Reed, and he raised his head, staring through the window wall of the observation deck at the blue sphere hanging below in space. It was a breathtaking sight. Malcolm closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the cool material of the transparent wall. 

_Come with me and let me tell you,  
Of the dream I had last night,_

It was a wonderful place, and even more so because he could enjoy it together with Trip, who was walking beside him with the curious and awed expression of a four-year-old on his face. Malcolm as well found himself quite literally rendered speechless by the beauty of the place. The rough coastline with the cliffs and the stormy grey ocean below, the lush grass that was ruffled by the gusts of wind blowing in from the sea, the cloudless, screaming blue skies above and the harmony of the blowing of the wind and the roaring of the waves made any comment seem irrelevant and trivial. Slightly squeezing Trip's hand that he held in his own, Malcolm closed his eyes for a moment and felt the breeze caress his skin.

_Take my hand, I need to feel you,  
Had I not woken I think I'd died._

Watching Trip as the engineer walked a few steps ahead to approach the edge of the cliff, Malcolm felt gratitude at being allowed to have such a moment with his partner. The wind tousled Trip's hair and the air had a taste of the sea to it that Malcolm knew he would remember for a very long time. Feeling a smile spread on his face, Malcolm realized that at the moment, he was happy. And when Trip slipped, for the first blink of a second Malcolm refused to realize what was happening.

_It was so real,  
A dream, but still..._

Trip let out a startled cry as his foot slipped on a loose rock. Malcolm heard the sound of small pebbles grinding on the rock of the cliff, and saw Trip lose his balance. He opened his mouth to cry out, but only a strangled, horrified sound emerged as he watched Trip go over the edge and fall. He reached out, trying to grab his partner, but his hand closed on thin air. A scream rose over the sound of the rolling waves as Trip fell towards the blue-grey water surface.

_In my dream I'm at the sea,  
And I feel that the end is very near,_

And now they were back. Malcolm did not know why the Captain had decided to return. Enterprise had not been the same ever since. The ship had stopped being home to Malcolm, and had turned into a place that felt more and more like a tomb. His work had long since lost its exciting edge as there was no one who he could work with: only subordinates and superiors, no one he could feel and act equal to. Social events had ceased to be entertaining and had turned into something like repeated wakes for former times. And now, with Enterprise on her way home after five years out here in deep space, Archer had decided to bring them back to this place where everything had changed. Malcolm pressed his lips together, feeling a tear escape and trace its way down his cheek.

_I look around, I'm all alone,  
I jump, and then I'm gone._

They had been soulmates, had completed each other as if they had meant to be together all along. Malcolm knew that with Trip, he had been happy. Not just happy to have a relationship, or happy most of the time, but genuinely content with his life. Any problems had faded in the face of that happiness. He'd known that with Trip's help and support, there was nothing that he couldn't take. Things might harm him, hurt him, but they wouldn't break him. Not as long as Trip was there to hold him in his arms and tell him things would turn out alright. He'd feared nothing except one thing, and the fact that exactly this one thing should have happened had taken Malcolm's faith in life from him.

_Seems the sea's been waiting for me,  
A beast of prey it seems to be,_

Scrambling down the steep slope that descended down toward the ocean, Malcolm kept calling Trip's name. His voice sounded too faint to his own ears, partly because the wind carried the sound from his lips immediately after he uttered it, and partly because the pounding of the blood in his ears made it hard to hear anything beside it. Small rocks crumbled under his boots as he made his way down the slope as quickly as possible, and Malcolm himself wasn't quite sure how he was keeping his balance. Finally he reached the edge of the water, and without hesitating waded into the waves, feeling the cold enclose him and creep up his body as he left the shore behind. He knew that it could not have been more than thirty seconds since Trip had slipped and fallen, but panic was closing in on him all the same. Taking a deep breath, Malcolm crushed the oncoming fear and pushed himself off the ground, his feet losing contact with the sea's bottom.

_The sea is cruel -  
I've seen no thing more beautiful._

The feeling of having nothing but water around him for a second took his breath away. Then Malcolm fought the urge to thrash and panic and instead concentrated on swimming in the direction of the point where Trip must have hit the water. Praying that Trip hadn't lost consciousness on impact. Hoping against hope that he hadn't hit one of the rocks emerging from the water below the cliff. Concentrating on breathing regularly and doing one stroke after the other, Malcolm closed the short distance between the shore and the rocks. He took a deep breath, and, trying not to consider too thoroughly what he was doing, dived. Water closed over his head, fueling the lingering panic. Malcolm opened his eyes wide, paying no attention to the burning the salt water caused. He needed to find Trip, to get him on dry land before the cold, murky water filled his lungs and made him drown.  
The thought made the panic flare, and Malcolm opened his mouth, losing part of his precious oxygen. Pressing his lips together tightly, Malcolm closed his eyes for a second and told himself that he mustn't think of things like that. Trip needed him now -  
When he opened his eyes again, suddenly the silhouette of a dark shape formed before him in the water, and diving deeper, Malcolm reached out to touch the soaked cloth of a Starfleet uniform. The Lieutenant closed his fingers around Trip's arm and kicked his feet, hard, to get back to the surface.

_In my dream I'm at the sea,  
And I feel that the end is very near,_

He had eventually agreed to come along to the surface. Archer had left the decision to him, knowing that the event that had taken place on this planet had turned Malcolm's life inside out. But Reed had realized that he wanted to go down, wanted to visit the place that had taken his partner away from him. He'd accompanied the landing party, and when they'd made sure that there weren't any unknown dangers down here, he'd asked for permission to separate from the away team. And here he was now, standing a few feet from the place where the one person he had truly loved had fallen to his death.  
The place was still beautiful. The sea was wild and rough, breaking against the cliff and spitting white foam up into the air. The ever-blowing wind was singing its song, and the air was heavy with the smell of salt and untouched nature. Malcolm stood at the edge of the cliff and stared out over the grey, roaring ocean at the horizon where the lighter blue of the sky met the steel-blue of the water. Clouds were gathering in the distance, and Malcolm surmised that a storm was building up.

_I look around, I'm all alone,  
I jump, and then I'm gone,_

Malcolm managed to pull Trip out of the water and laid him down on the narrow stretch of rocky beach that was running along the edge of the water. The Lieutenant was shivering from cold, strain and the suppressed panic, but he didn't really notice. Getting to his knees beside Trip's still form, Malcolm put his fingers against the side of Trip's neck to feel for a pulse. He couldn't make one out, and his stomach cramped painfully. Oncoming panic making his breath catch in his throat, he bent down and put one ear to Trip's mouth. There were no breaths, either. Desperation threatened to overwhelm Malcolm as he started cardiac massage. Trip's face was still and pale, and no matter what he did, Malcolm couldn't bring his partner to show a sign of life. The Lieutenant started to talk, to order Trip to regain consciousness, and with every word he said his voice sounded more desperate. Eventually, when his vision blackened for a few seconds from the strain of the mouth-to-mouth, Malcolm stopped and gasped for air. His thoughts jumbled, and he felt his breath hitch as he looked at the pale face of Trip lying before him on the ground. With shaking hands, Malcolm picked his partner up and cradled him in his arms, a sound of denial and utter despair emerging from his lips.

_I'm going under and it seems,  
That under water you can't scream._

Stepping up to the sharp edge of the cliff, Malcolm lowered his gaze and stared down at the waves and the rocks breaking through the water surface here and there. No one who fell from this height would survive it, even if they were lucky enough to miss the rocks. Trip hadn't been that lucky, but, Malcolm thought, like this it had at least happened fast and Trip had been spared the agony of consciously drowning. It had probably hurt for a second, and then there had been blackness. If you put it like this, it didn't sound that bad. Actually, it sounded kind of appealing. A short moment of pain, and then oblivion. Malcolm closed his eyes. Not feeling, not knowing. Something that he had constantly wished for in the last few months. Staying ignorant of all the hurt in the world, of the pain everyone was going through all the time. Put like that, it sounded like a solution to any problem.

_I always tried to live each day as if it were my final one,  
Tried to change the world each day, now it's over and I'm gone,  
I fought like I did when I was young, and I felt the need to laugh,  
Water got into my lungs, and that is when I finally woke up._

The sea had taken from him the one person that had mattered to him, and long before that, it had taken from him the love of his father and his family. It had formed his life, and somehow he felt it to be right that his life should belong to it in the end.

_In my dream I'm at the sea,  
And I feel that the end is very near,_

Malcolm took a deep breath and took a step forward so he was standing on the very edge of the cliff, the tips of his boots with no ground to support them. He raised his head and remembered the second before Trip had fallen. It had been a perfect moment, perfect enough to demand a price as high as the one that had followed. In life, nothing was given. In the end you paid for anything you took. Stealing moments was not part of life's scheme, Malcolm realized that now. And he decided that he wasn't willing to pay anymore. He closed his eyes, and with a last deep breath, he took the final step into nothingness.

_I look around, I'm all alone,  
I say goodbye and then I'm gone._

Air brushed against his cheeks as he fell towards the grey mass of waves. He slowly spun around, and the sky came into his view, blue and still cloudless. This is how I'm going to see the sky for the last time. Malcolm smiled and closed his eyes, feeling himself fall.

_For the last time I'm at the sea,  
And it seems so very endless to me,_

Cold touched his back, and as he had anticipated, there was a short moment of pain. Then blackness closed in on him, and Malcolm Reed left a world of hurt behind to explore the undiscovered country that lay before him.

_The sea's been there for years gone by,  
And not a single cloud mars the sky._


End file.
